You can’t create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what’s wrong, but it’s a start.  The best place to begin is to focus on changing yourself rather than your partner. Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner.

Problems occur when reality departs sharply from our expectations, hopes, desires and concerns.  It’s human nature to try and change one’s partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps therapists in business!

The hardest part of coupes therapy is accepting you will need to improve your response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it). Very few people want to focus on improving their response. It’s more common to build a strong case for why the other should do the improving.

You can’t change your partner and your partner can’t change you. You can influence each other, but that doesn’t mean you can change each other. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship.

It’s easy to be considerate and loving to your partner when the vistas are magnificent, the sun is shining and breezes are gentle. But when it gets bone chilling cold, you’re hungry and tired, and your partner is whining and sniveling about how you got them into this mess – that’s when you get tested. Your compassion and character get put to the test. It’s a choice point.  You can join the finger pointing or become how you aspire to become.

The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you. See times of dischord as an opportunity to learn about yourself by inviting nonjudgmental awareness.  You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you handle it.  You picked your partner for a reason.