An emotional bond begins to grow between people as they communicate understanding, respect, and valuing for one another’s personhood.  This bond is an interpersonal bridge between them.

The interpersonal bridge is built upon certain expectations. We come to depend on a mutuality of response in our relationships.  It’s what allows us to trust and be vulnerable. That’s the good news.

The “bad” news is we’re human which means we’re bound to behave in ways that hurt others, either intentionally or unintentionally. This is how shame works. To have someone valued unexpectedly betray our trust opens the self inside of us and exposes it to view. “What a fool I was to trust!” How familiar that reaction is. The anger is but a mask.

Thankfully, the feeling of excruciating vulnerability will pass – as do all feelings. The danger arises in the identification of the negative feelings. The greater the frequency this betrayal of trust, the greater the chances it will be internalized as a core belief.

We’ll talk more about internalization later…

Feeling cared for, accepted and having a sense of belonging and affiliation with others is fundamental to our well-being. Unfortunately, not everyone was raised in such an environment.

Compassion-based therapy was developed to help those who have problems, especially around shame and self-criticism. Most people can logically understand the importance of caring. To feel it, experientially, requires the ability to access that give rise to feelings of safety and love.

Sometimes it’s hard to feel the caring presence of another. Compassion-focused, mindfulness-based therapy creates a safe container to explore the protective strategies that seal off the self from feelings of togetherness and connectedness.

• In a strong disagreement, do you really believe your partner is entitled to their opinion?
• Under duress, do you have the courage and tenacity to seek your partner’s reality and the courage to express your reality when the stakes are high?
• What is the price your partner will have to pay to improve their response to you? How much do you care about the price they will have to pay?
• Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her?
• Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself?
• If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make it easier?

The major aim of therapy is increasing knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes increasingly more effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones. Only knowledge that is applied is power. And remember that attitude is key when it comes to improving your relationship.  Your attitude toward change is more important than what action you take.

In a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. Gratitude has a way of injecting our daily routine with a booster shot of positive emotion.  We find the other person walks around feeling better about themselves and their relationship…your relationship. 

Also, be mindful of how you express appreciation. A low-quality expression focuses on the object. ”Thanks for cooking dinner, hon, I was hungry.” Instead, direct the gratitude toward your partner.  “You’re such a great cook. It’s thoughtful that you cook for me!”

The second unproductive pattern is showing up with each person saying, “I don’t know what to talk about, do you?” While this blank slate approach may open some interesting doors, it is a hit or miss process.

The third common unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you are in at the moment or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing these fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn from the experience is often an exercise is spinning your wheels. Over time, repeating these patterns will lead to the plaintive question, “Are we getting anywhere?”

A more powerful approach to your couples therapy sessions is for each person to do the following before each session:

1. Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
2. Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.

This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important meeting and then say, “Well, I don’t have anything to bring up. Does anyone else have anything on their agenda?”  Pay yourself and the relationship the respect it deserves and your preparation will return with high dividends.